


Breathe

by morgay



Category: Warrior Cats - Fandom
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Anger, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Hate, I wrote this when I was highly suicidal please be warned, Love, Love rectangle or something like that idk, Love triangle+, Murder, OCs - Freeform, Oneshot, Other, PTSD, Panic, Plot Twist, Shock, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Warrior Cats, WindClan, Written in April 2017, self hate, warriors - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-25 11:47:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13833624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morgay/pseuds/morgay
Summary: Young Rushpaw has a lot to learn. That includes how three cats loved his father and how his mentor ended up murdering his entire family.





	Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Warrior Cats Oneshot. Written in April of 2017. Read at your own risk.

_in and out._  
⠀in and out.  
⠀⠀breathe.  
⠀⠀⠀breathe.  
⠀⠀⠀⠀breathe.

 _out in._  
      in out.⠀  
   out in.⠀⠀  
in out.⠀⠀⠀

A gray tom stared blankly at the mangled corpse of a pale speckled silver she-cat in front of him. His tail tip flicked back and forth, an ear twitching every few moments.

"Rushpaw."

_Claws flailed out as a large black tom hurled himself at Creekmoon. Beaverstorm's eyes glinted with malice as he tore out her throat. Rushpaw was frozen to the spot. Blood seeped out of the screaming she-cat and spilled over the apprentice's paws. His mother's blood._

"Rushpaw."

_He did nothing. He couldn't speak; his muscles wouldn't move. The tom was in too much shock. His mentor had killed his mother. His mentor had killed his mother. His mentor had killed his mother. His mentor had killed his mother._

"Rushpaw..?"

_He didn't know what to do. So he ran. And he lied. A badger had come. A badger had killed her. Flintstar believed him, the leader's paws thrumming behind Rushpaw's. Beaverstorm had somehow covered up the scent by the time they got there, and his acting had already kicked in. He was motionless by her side, staring down at her body. Sadness was held in his posture, but Rushpaw saw his eyes. And those eyes told him that Beaverstorm had enjoyed killing her. His mentor had killed his mother. His mentor had killed his mother. His mentor had killed his mother. His mentor had killed his mother._

"What?"

_And now was the vigil._

"Rushpaw..!"

 _His mentor had killed his mother. His mentor had killed his mother. His mentor had killed his mother. His mentor had killed his mother. His mentor had killed his mother. His mentor had killed his mother._  
His mentor had killed his mother.  
His--

Rushpaw's body went limp as he stumbled to the ground, mumbling the words, staring ahead. Yewpaw leapt back in terror and her eyes widened, the large she-cat turning tail and streaking toward the medicine cat den. "Thymefern! Thymefern! Something's happened to Rushpaw!"

Immediately, a creamy she-cat ran over to the gray tom, green eyes scanning over the apprentice.

"He's in shock," Thymefern stated. Yewpaw nervously rocked back and forth.

"Will he be okay?" Thymefern didn't respond and crouched down, trying to hear what Rushpaw was speaking about.

"What's he saying?" Yewpaw anxiously asked.

"Something... uh... _had killed her._ I can't make out the rest."

"It must mean something, right?" the tan she-cat inquired. "I'm his best friend. I would know, but.. I don't. Maybe he's talking about the badger."

"I don't know. Maybe," Thymefern responded.

"He's just in shock. Like you said." The two cats turned to face a huge black tom - Beaverstorm - who slunk over, squaring his shoulders as his eyes flickered down to Rushpaw. "I don't think there's anything to be done for him."

"Leave the medicine cat thinking to me, thanks," Thymefern spat back, little to no sympathy in her voice. "His mother was just killed. You couldn't protect her. Maybe you should be doing something besides working my job." She raised her eyes to meet his amber ones, ignoring his curled lip as he sneered and stalked off. Her tensed muscles grew relaxed again as she turned to the apprentice, soothing him with words, Yewpaw stroking her own bushy tail down his side.

"It's okay, Rushpaw..." Thymefern murmured. "It'll all be okay.."

"R-Rushpaw... I understand... she was like a mother to me, too... but you have to come back to us. You'll be alright. We can get through this."

_Amber eyes glinted in darkness as Beaverstorm ripped out Rushpaw's own throat. "Coward," he spat. "Traitor. Liar." The gray apprentice toppled to the ground, choking on the blood seeping out of his jaws. "Stupid. Useless. Worthless."_

"I'm sorry..." Rushpaw whispered, his voice cracking as tears ran down his cheeks. He curled into a tight ball and wailed miserably, sobbing uncontrollably.

 _His mother_.

More cries.

 _His father_.

More cries.

 _His mentor_.

More cries.

A body wrapped itself around him. Yewpaw - he could tell by her scent. But he didn't care. All he wanted to do was fall in a deep hole and die. Join his parents in StarClan. Join his parents in StarClan... he could. Maybe.

Yes.

Yes, he would.

Rushpaw jerked away from Yewpaw and staggered to his paws, pelting toward the camp entrance. Yewpaw was too surprised to follow and Thymefern watched with wide eyes as the tom ran out of camp. Beaverstorm padded up, looking at the two she-cats. "I'll go find him," he mumbled, striding out after Rushpaw.

_"You'll do great, Rushpaw." Creekmoon touched her son's ear with her muzzle. The apprentice breathed in her sweet scent and pushed against her, purring as he nuzzled her chest._

_"I love you," he whispered, eyes closing._

_"I love you too, sweetheart."_

Grass whisked past Rushpaw's fur as he leapt into a dip in the forest and crawled through the brambles. Thorns scratched against his nose but he ignored the pain, still sobbing. His mother was dead his mother was dead his mother was dead his mother was dead.

" _Rushpaw_!"

Beaverstorm's shrill screech only made the apprentice run faster. He didn't want to face his mentor. He killed his mother.

_He killed my mother._

And then he was out of the brambles and on the edge of the cliff. His breath was taken away as he looked down at the rocks clamped together at the bottom, sharp and menacing, like jaws waiting to swallow the apprentice up.

 _Jump_.

He wavered. Did he want to jump?

_Jump, idiot!_

"Rushpaw."

The gray tom whirled around and stared at Beaverstorm, heaving the urge to just tumble down to the rocks because of this cat.

"That's my name."

"Don't talk back to me, son."

"I'm only the son to my father." Rushpaw had a look of determination but his shoulders were slumped, his body weight looking heavy. It seemed as if he could hardly hold himself.

"Well, your father's dead, twat."

The gray tom flinched. He closed his blue eyes and slowly opened them again, thin tail lashing back and forth. "I don't know what you came here to do."

_He's gonna kill you he's gonna kill you he's gonna kill you._

Beaverstorm was silent for a few moments, the huge black tom taking a step forward to make himself look larger than the apprentice.

_He killed Creekmoon he killed Creekmoon he killed Creekmoon._

"I came here to tell you that jumping won't do you any good."

_Jump jump jump JUMP JUMP!_

"Why do you care?" His voice ended with a snarl. Rustpaw's claws sunk into the dirt, his throat beginning to burn.

"Are you gonna _cry_?" Beaverstorm sneered, amber eyes rolling. "You're more of a coward than I wanted to believe you were. I actually had the tiniest bit of faith in you. But, as usual, you ruined it."

He flinched again. Rushpaw attempted to hold his ground but felt himself wanting to only crumple to the ground. "You've ruined my life enough. Just let me end it now."

The black tom's eyes narrowed as he flicked his ears back, looking down at Rushpaw as he curled his lips into a snarl. "Come on. You don't _deserve_ to die yet." The gray apprentice froze. "You're taking the easy way out. The _coward_ way. Do you want be known as that cat for the rest of eternity?"

_JUMP!_

Rushpaw didn't respond. He ducked his head and forced the tears not to spill over. "My scars will.. forever be a reminder of... you." His voice cracked. "For what you've done to me all of these moons."

"You act like you're such a victim," the larger tom snorted. "Please, pity yourself; it's quite entertaining."

_JUMP!_

"Because I am." The gray apprentice's teeth clenched as he glared back at Beaverstorm.

_DON'T LET HIM STOP YOU!_

"Is that so?" The black warrior tipped his head to the side. "You were a mistake just by being born. You ruined all of our lives. You're the reason this Clan is starving. Another mouth to feed, another cat to train. You're greedy - you gobble up the food we give to you without letting anyone else eat. You aren't kind, you don't have a heart; you're selfish. But really, what else might I expect from a rogue kit?"

_"Creekmoon..." Rushpaw lifted his head to look into his mother's beautiful blue eyes. "Why doesn't.. anyone seem to like me?"_

_The she-cat was silent for a long time. "Sometimes cats are simply cruel."_

_"But.."_

_"It's nothing. It's not your fault." The she-cat wrapped a bushy tail around Rushpaw, pulling him into warmth. "Don't worry about it, sweetheart. Don't worry about it at all."_

Rushpaw stood there, his face blank, no emotion evident on his features. "So I'm a rogue."

Beaverstorm gave a small nod as he examined his apprentice. "Yes. _That's_ why we resent you. Your mother lied to you, Rushpaw. Why should you feel any loyalty to her?"

_She did everything for me. She protected me. She defended me._

"Because she was my mother."

_He wouldn't know..._

"You wouldn't know though, would you? It's not like you've ever talked about your parents. Did they abuse you, too? Is that why you feel the need to create nicks in my ears and blame it on brambles?" Rushpaw's voice rose, the apprentice standing taller. Beaverstorm's shocked expression made it apparent that he'd struck a nerve. "I understand now. They must have taught you to hate rogues, kill them, even. And you followed it out. You actually did it. To your own apprentice's mother. _I'm_ the one who's a coward? Look what _you_ did!"

Before Rushpaw could even comprehend what was happening, Beaverstorm leapt forward and tackled the apprentice to the ground. Instincts kicking in for once in his life, Rushpaw yowled and lashed out wildly, causing the black tom to duck away for a few moments. The gray tom batted at his face and ran back into the forest, but was pulled back by his tail. He let out a wail of pain as teeth sunk into his fur. The tom wheeled around and tried to snap at Beaverstorm but missed, being pushed to the ground by his mentor. The weight was too much for him to fight.

_He's gonna kill you he's gonna kill you he's gonna kill you._

And then it happened. The black tom must have lifted a rock and smashed it right into Rushpaw's head. A loud screech split from his jaws as pain shot through his whole body like lightning bolts. Tears began to stream down his cheeks once more, black dots edging his vision.

_You're dead you're dead you're dead you're dead._

"Filthy rogues. There's a reason I've wanted to get rid of you all."

All Rushpaw saw was his mentor lifting the rock again, getting ready to chunk it at his head. He was going to die. This was it. Beaverstorm was killing him.

But before anything else could happen, a shocked and hurt yowl filled the entire clearing.

_**"STOP!"** _

Rushpaw's head spun, darkness edging his vision. His hind legs scrabbled in the dirt to push himself up, but he collapsed back to the ground with pants. He could feel the blood that ran down his body.

_Beaverstorm did this Beaverstorm did this Beaverstorm did this_

Rushpaw gasped for air as his lungs seemed to deflate inside his body. He held on to his chest and cried out in pain, ears flattening on his head. The gray apprentice gagged and rolled his shoulders forward, tasting metal as blood and vomit spewed from his jaws. He dug his sharp claws into the ground and fell to his side, managing to make out the medicine cat, Thymefern.

_Thymefern saved you Thymefern saved you Thymefern saved you_

"Beaverstorm." The cream she-cat's voice held fury. Her brows were knit together, her tail lashing from side to side, her feet planted into the ground like a statue. The huge black tom stood rather loosely on his side, an amused look crossing his face.

"What have you come here to do, _dear_?" he responded slyly.

Thymefern's green eyes flickered over to Rushpaw. His breaths were ragged as he watched. The apprentice had no strength to move, and he feared he would throw up again if he did. "I came here to tell you to stop. This isn't right. It isn't who you are."

Beaverstorm scowled. "You don't know a rat's tail about me."

"I know you were in love with Alden."

The black tom froze. His amber eyes widened and he stumbled back, shock evident in his posture. Rushpaw could see the rise and fall of his chest growing faster and faster with each coming second.

_Who is Alden?_

Beaverstorm was quiet as Thymefern continued. "We need to tell him the story."

_What story?_

Rushpaw's jaw quivered and he screwed his eyes shut, feeling throbbing pain in his head. He clawed at the dirt and felt more cries coming from his throat. He wished all of this would end. He was always suffering some kind of pain.

_You should've jumped you should've jumped you should've jumped_

"No."

Rushpaw opened his jaws to talk as the pain began to fade away. No voice left, however. He couldn't talk. His body wouldn't allow him to.

_Help me help me help me help me help me help me help me_

"He deserves to know about his father."

He vomited again. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he heard the words.

 _His father_.

He hadn't ever had the chance to know his father. Now that he knew he was a rogue kit, he guessed he'd stayed behind if his mother had joined the Clan.

But clearly that wasn't what happened. There was more to the story. To _his_ story.

Rushpaw could feel the two cat's eyes burning into his pelt. He forced himself to gulp down air and stumbled to his paws, wavering for a few seconds as he cracked open his eyes. The gray tom wiped blood off of his muzzle and flicked it on the ground, almost falling back down as his head spun again.

"We shouldn't even tell him," Beaverstorm gruffly went on. "He's stupid. He probably won't be able to understand a word we say."

Thymefern curled her lips. "He's smarter than you ever were. Falling in love with his _father_. You're a tom, for StarClan's sake; you're supposed to like _she-cats_!"

Beaverstorm flinched. Rushpaw's jaw dropped open. He staggered back, feeling like his mentor had just thrown him to the ground with a single paw.

_Beaverstorm loved your father Beaverstorm loved your father Beaverstorm loved your father Beaverstorm loved your father_

"Wh... what?" Rushpaw's voice was scarcely a whisper. His heart sped up as he looked between the two cats. Shame sparkled in Beaverstorm's eyes. Thymefern remained in her same stance.

"It's true," Thymefern spat. "Tell him."

Beaverstorm straightened up, growling at the medicine cat. "You're no better than I am. You loved him too."

Pain suddenly crossed over the she-cat. She looked over at the apprentice, who started to feel like he was going to hurl again. "That's true, too."

Rushpaw didn't know what to say. He took a few more steps back toward the edge of the cliff, willing himself to jump before he could hear anything else. He didn't want to know about his father. He just wanted to die.

"Don't." Thymefern's tone was stern, although the apprentice could tell she was shaking. "It's not your time yet, Rushpaw."

The gray tom gulped and began to breathe heavier. "I-I don't want to know about my father... _Alden_... I don't care. Y-You both are doing this... backing me into a corner. If I jump then you'll suffer the pain I have!"

"You don't want to know what happened? Why Beaverstorm _beats_ you?" The cream she-cat shot a hard glare at the black tom, but his mentor was staring at the ground.

Wind picked up and blew through Rushpaw's gray fur. Clouds began to roll in and his ears flicked back when he heard thunder.

_Something bad is gonna happen something bad is gonna happen  
Something bad is gonna happen run run run run run RUN!_

He shook his head quickly. "No. Don't tell me. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't--"

"You do care." Thymefern's voice rose.

"No!" he yelled.

Beaverstorm lashed his tail. "I should've killed him when I had the chance. All he does is ruin everything."

The medicine cat rounded on the large tom with a hiss. "Don't speak that way. It's not his fault he was born!"

Rushpaw flinched. He looked at them, taking another small step back. "So... so you're mad because I was born? What happened, then? Did my father... _Alden_... did he run away when he found out about me?"

Thymefern and Beaverstorm exchanged a glance. "Yes," the she-cat responded quietly. "And Beaverstorm feels the need to abuse you for it. He requested to have you as his apprentice."

Rushpaw's heart fell into his stomach. He gasped for air and felt a panic attack coming on.

_Beaverstorm has always wanted you to die._

"B-But why my mother?" the gray tom whispered. "She didn't do anything either."

_Your mother is dead your mother is dead your mother is dead your mother is dead--  
Beaverstorm planned it._

Rushpaw would've attacked his mentor if he wasn't such a coward. "So you both loved my father.. and when he left because o-of my birth... Beaverstorm decided to kill Creekmoon and me. And Thymefern... you've always watched over me. H-Have you known about what he's been doing?"

The cream she-cat flicked her ears back, pawing at the ground. "Yes," she murmured.

A burning rage shot through Rushpaw but eventually withered away. "Why? Why didn't you stop him if you knew?"

The she-cat didn't respond.

Rushpaw shook his head. "Stop. No. You shouldn't have told me. This doesn't matter. None of it does. I'll be with StarClan soon, anyway."

"Don't talk like that!" Thymefern hissed, glaring at Beaverstorm. "Look what you've been teaching him!"

The black tom lifted his amber eyes to Rushpaw and narrowed them. "Who cares?"

The apprentice shut his eyes. "Leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone!"

"Are you too scared to hear?" Beaverstorm mocked. " _Weakling_!"

"Shut it!" Thymefern snapped.

"Leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone!"

Rushpaw didn't want to open his eyes. He didn't want to face his past. He wanted to die. Why was that so hard? Beaverstorm wanted to kill him, anyway... this would be the.. easy.. way out.

But he did open his eyes. And he did watch as Beaverstorm struck Thymefern. And he did watch as the black tom forced the medicine cat to the ground and scratched open her stomach.

All he saw was blood.

_He remembered the battle. RiverClan had attacked them that day. Clouds were overhead as Rushpaw stared at the dead bodies limp on the ground, blood everywhere. He feared Creekmoon was dead._

_Eventually, he found her. He'd been so happy she was alive, so ecstatic he hadn't lost her. She'd felt the same for her son._

_Rushpaw remembered the grief he'd felt that day for his fallen Clanmates. Every one of them he'd known, and not all had treated him particularly well, but he still knew them. That was enough for him to feel like he'd lost something._

_The final thing he remembered that day was the feeling of dread. How his stomach churned, his heart twisted in knots as he searched for his mother. Anxiety. He hated that feeling._

_But that's exactly how he felt now._

Thymefern hissed and threw her paw up, catching Beaverstorm's cheek and rolling away. She leapt to her paws and reared up on him, the two cats locking into battle. Rushpaw had to leap out of the way to avoid being thrown off of the cliff from their fighting.

"R-Rushpaw?"

The apprentice jumped and turned around, blue eyes widening at the sight of Yewpaw. The large tan she-cat watched Thymefern and Beaverstorm, eyes slowly landing on Rushpaw. "Wh-What happened? And... are you okay?"

He blinked. Rushpaw had forgotten about his mentor smashing his skull with a rock, he'd forgotten about the blood that drenched his body.

The only thing he could think of was his father.

"I-I'm scared..."

_The sleek pelt of a raggedy golden tom was all Rushkit saw. He was chasing a butterfly. WindClan was thriving well this moon. Prey was stocked up, cats dozing around. It was peaceful._

_Alden came into view. Rushkit smiled widely and purred, nuzzling the tom. His father._

_"Hey, Alden!"_

_A voice caused the little kit to look over at a huge black tom. His name was Beaversomething. He scared Rushkit a lot... he seemed nice to his father, but was gruff toward everyone else. Especially him. Why?_

"What's going on?"

_"Beaverstorm." The golden tom purred and turned away from his son, eyes brightening at the sight of the other warrior. "What's up?"_

_"Nothing much. Want to go hunting?"_

_Alden flicked his tail and looked over at Rushkit, who tipped his head at the two cats. "Maybe later. Rushkit wanted to play."_

_And as Alden turned away from the black tom, Rushkit swore he saw a spark of envy in Beaverstorm's eyes._

"Beaverstorm was jealous of me."

Yewpaw stared back at Rushpaw. "What?"

"Beaverstorm.. the story... it isn't true." His heart cracked under his weight, jaws cracked open. "Did Beaverstorm... kill... my father?"

"What?" Yewpaw took a staggering step back. "What is going on?! Why are Thymefern and Beaverstorm fighting?! And what's this about him killing your father?!" she exclaimed, yellow eyes wide.

"They told me a story. They said I was a r-rogue kit." The gray tom's voice shook. "That my parents brought me here. Then they said they both loved my father, a-and that he left the Clan because I was born... so Beaverstorm..."

Flicking an ear, Rushpaw turned his flank and showed Yewpaw a long scar. " _Beaverstorm_ did this! He's been abusing me ever since I was appointed as his apprentice!" The she-cat let out a short gasp. "T-Thymefern said he did it because I was born. But... I remember something..."

_"Hey. Kit."_

_Rushkit lifted his head, cocking a brow in confusion. He stood to his paws and slowly walked to the warriors' den, the source of the voice. "H-Hello?"_

_"Rushkit, right?"_

_Amber eyes blinked in the darkness. The gray kit reeled back in surprise, kicking up dirt. "Y-Yeah. Who are you?"_

_The voice took a few seconds before replying. "Beaverstorm."_

_Rushkit straightened up. "Oh. Yeah. I know you!" He purred and hopped on his paws. "Do you need something?"_

_"Listen closely, because I don't have a lot of time to tell you this."_

_The gray tom's ears perked. "Yes sir?"_

"What do you remember?"

Rushpaw was jerked out of his thoughts. Suppressed memories he'd forgotten were returning to him. He was remembering things he was supposed to have forgotten.

"I remember Beaverstorm looking... envious... I-I think he killed my father because he didn't pay attention to him..."

Rushpaw's claws extended. He slowly turned around to see the two cats still fighting.

Anger.

Burning anger.

_"Watch your back, kit." The voice was dripping with venom, menacing and furious. "Because some day, I will kill you. I'll make it impossible for you to escape me, and then your death will be a tragic accident. The poor apprentice, killed at the claws of a badger." Rushkit's blood went cold, his heart speeding up. "I will kill you, your mother, and your father."_

_Silence._

_"Now scram, kit! You aren't supposed to be in the warriors' den!"_

_And he did run._

_He ran as far as he could, but he never escaped Beaverstorm._

_No, he never would._

The gray apprentice let out a cry of fury and leapt right toward the battling cats. Yewpaw was too slow to hold him back. He hooked his claws into Beaverstorm's back and lashed out wildly, aiming for his throat and managing to turn him over. "You _liar_!" he snarled. " _You killed my father_!"

"That's absurd!" the black tom spat, easily throwing Rushpaw off with his hind legs. "I _loved_ him!"

"Well maybe you loved him _too_ much!" Rushpaw yowled, baring his teeth. "You were jealous of me! A _kit_!" The apprentice hadn't felt so much anger in his entire life. "So you killed him! And my mother! And you planned to murder me from the start with your stupid badger plan!"

Thymefern was panting heavily as she stood to her paws, limping over to Rushpaw. The apprentice flinched back and hissed at her. "You're a liar. Both of you are. I don't trust a word you say."

Yewpaw looked worried as she slowly walked up beside Rushpaw. He allowed her to stay there.

_Beaverstorm killed your father Beaverstorm killed your father  
Besverstorm and Thymefern killed your father_

Rushpaw closed his eyes.

Rushpaw only heard the thumping of his heart ringing in his ears.

Rushpaw could feel the edge of the cliff pulling at his heels.

Rushpaw jumped.

_Rushkit heard something he wasn't supposed to hear._

_The medicine cat, uh... Thymefrost... something like that.. was speaking to Alden. He was peeking from behind a nearby rock, watching the cats talk with interest. They were behind the warriors' den, so Rushkit guessed it was something important._

_"I'm sorry, Thymefern.." the golden tom murmured, rubbing against her side. "I have to leave. Beaverstorm is so... I don't even know how to explain him these days. He won't talk to me. Won't make eye contact. And every time I do manage to speak with him all he does is snap at me. What did I do wrong?"_

_The cream she-cat's eyes grew soft, but a fire burned inside of them. "Don't worry about Beaverstorm. He's just a jerk. But, don't leave, please... you still have cats that want you here."_

_Alden huffed. "No cat wants me here. Creekmoon gave me a nick in the ear this morning for inviting her to hunt. What's wrong with her? And what's wrong with Beaverstorm? It... it must be me. Right? It's only cats I'm close to that I'm hurting."_

_She was quiet. "Don't forget about Rushkit." The gray tom's interest grew. He didn't understand much of what they were saying, but it sounded important. And they mentioned him._

_"Rushkit will be fine without me."_

"RUSHPAW!"

He was falling, but everything was slow. Wind brushed past his pelt as he watched the cliff slowly trickle away from him.

Until he wasn't.

Jaws grabbed his scruff, causing his body to jerk upward. A breath left him as he swung over the edge, over the rocks that so desperately wanted to pull him down.

He wanted to die.

"Let me go."

_"You can't really be saying that."_

_Alden's eyes dropped to the ground. "I am."_

_Thymefern opened her jaws and closed them again, as if she didn't know what to say. Rushkit didn't understand. Was his father leaving? And what did their medicine cat have to do with all of this? And that scary tom Beaverstorm? And his mother?_

_Their voices grew even quieter as they continued to speak to each other, a concerned look on Thymefern's features. Alden looked... slightly lost. Now bored that he couldn't hear what they were saying, Rushkit turned and waltzed off, muzzle in the air. Now he could brag to all his friends... oh, he didn't have friends. Well, he could brag to himself about what he'd heard._

_He now knew a secret._

"Rushpaw, this is insane! Y-You shouldn't have jumped!"

Yewpaw.

"Well, I did."

Quiet.

"Just let him drop."

Beaverstorm.

"Shut _up_ , you idiot! Rushpaw just threw himself off of the cliff! We must help him!"

Thymefern.

_Beaverstorm and Thymefern killed your parents Beaverstorm and Thymefern killed your parents Beaverstorm and Thymefern killed your parents_

"Let me go."

"No! I'm not.. agh..."

The gray tom could hear Yewpaw's paws scratching into the dirt. She was having a hard time holding him up. Rushpaw would've let out a pitiful laugh if he wasn't in his current state. How could such a skinny cat like him weigh Yewpaw down?

"You can let me go now. I don't care."

"Rus... get Beaverstorm back! I don't trust him one bit!"

The apprentice didn't know what was going on. He didn't even care to know. He didn't understand anything, so he would rather just leave it that way.

The air nipped at his paws. He was still swinging. Yewpaw was struggling. Rushpaw wondered why Thymefern wasn't helping.

_She's keeping Beaverstorm away._

Keeping Beaverstorm away from killing him. His own mentor. A cat he trusted.

_A cat that killed your parents. A cat that loved your father too much._

"I can't live any longer."

Rushpaw savored the idle time wind passed. He closed his eyes. His heart beat through his whole body.

"I'm sorry, Yewpaw."

" _Stop him_! Wh-What? I-I'm helping you up, Rushpaw!" Yewpaw responded, trying to carry his weight. The tom knew she couldn't.

His body was limp as he hung there. It was sort of pathetic, really; how he was killing himself. How he _wanted_ to.

He had reasons, right?

He wasn't just being selfish, was he?

No, his mother died.

His father died.

His mentor killed them both.

His medicine cat was in on it.

All he had was Yewpaw. But he was aware he didn't deserve her. No, he didn't at all. Because all he did was ruin everything.

_I shouldn't have been born._

"So I shouldn't be alive."

All weight dropped to Rushpaw's feet. The pressure in his neck was gone.

Yewpaw let go.

_Yewpaw let go._

_Yewpaw killed you Yewpaw killed you Yewpaw killed you_

He fell.

He wasn't thinking.

His mind went blank. Completely, utterly blank.

What was there to think about, really?

He was moments away from being impaled by huge rock spikes.

He had nothing left to think about.

Except...

His parent's eyes. For some reason he specifically remembered them now. Especially his father's. Vibrant, blue eyes that shone even on the darkest of nights. They comforted him. Made him feel safer.

Then his mother's. Also blue, but calm as the sea. They made Rushpaw feel.. loved. Like he had a place.

_I have a place with my parents. In StarClan._

Eyes. The eyes of his friends, the eyes of his parents, the eyes of Thymefern...

And inevitably, the eyes of Beaverstorm.

A sickening crack filled the air. Yewpaw watched with wide eyes as Rushpaw's body flew into the spikes below, sinking through his skin and out the other side as if he was made of nothing. The she-cat was horrified. She had dropped Rushpaw.

_You killed Rushpaw you killed Rushpaw you killed Rushpaw_

Rushpaw was gone.

It was Yewpaw's fault.

Darkness swarmed Rushpaw's vision. His eyes slowly blinked open. He let out a gasp of air and felt the oxygen fill his lungs. He staggered to his paws, looking around. Was this StarClan?

"Welcome, son..."

He was hardly startled. The gray tom slowly turned and saw his parents. Alden and Creekmoon.

He saw their eyes. Blue and blue. Two shades the same, but two different souls inside. Calmness swept through his body, but a storm rose to the surface.

His mother and father.

He was finally with them. In peace.

"I've missed you."

 


End file.
